Deep within each man and woman is a common longing: the desire to find comfort, companionship, and fulfillment. God installed this longing in us for a purpose. One of the purposes of marriage for a man is to become as truly masculine as he can be. Likewise, a woman's fulfillment in marriage comes as she becomes as distinctively feminine as she can be. Each will have a unique role and definable function.

The blueprint God has in mind for a marriage is a coupling of two distinct designs, one male and one female. To deny the uniqueness of the sexes and supplant God's sexual ground rules with a misguided struggle to swap roles or deny their existence altogether has serious consequences.

A Male World and a Female World

To understand our mate we must first understand his or her sexuality. There are unique differences that are revealed by even a casual observation of the male and female anatomy. Without being too graphic or improper, we see suggestions in God's design of the male and female body that point to deeper conclusions about who we are as people. (Note: None of the following is intended to be absolute for every individual. These are generalities and trends that have largely remained changeless over time, despite the current myths of a unisex society.)

First, we see in the strength of the male body God's plan for him to be the protector. It is he who also initially gives life as he assumes the initiative in the relationship with a woman. Throughout recorded history, society has depended on male protection and what men by their strength provide. In the short span of the last hundred years, we have taken away a man's hunting rifle and put him at a computer—which may have obscured but not removed him from the role of protector.

Second, we know that the responsibility of managing the earth's resources did not begin as a result of the Fall. It was part of God's original and highest ideal for Adam and his sons.

In Genesis 2:15 we are told:

Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden, to cultivate it and to keep it.

The responsibility for cultivation of the earth points out a man's bent to be the one who provides for his family's needs. This is not just a role he plays and therefore he is masculine; it is the very nature of his masculinity that drives him to seek his greatest satisfaction and respect by performing the function of provider.

Third, a woman is made physically, emotionally, and spiritually for the central task of nurturing. Trying to make males and females interchangeable in the family structure is a contributing factor to the family's loss of leadership. This is not an issue of fathers changing diapers but the far deeper questions of a father's view of himself and how that fits with his wife's and children's perspectives. Conversely, how does she view herself in the family?

Fourth, it is part of the feminine nature to be a receiver and a responder. One of the great pressures placed on women today is the notion that it is not all right to be feminine in this way. The "new and improved" model of femininity is aggressive, self-reliant, rock-solid emotionally. The attempt to live up to this legend causes some women to deny their basic inner nature, which is that of a responder.

This does not mean that a man cannot respond, or that a woman should never take leadership. It only means that the depths of a man's sexuality are affirmed when he is allowed to lead. Likewise, the innermost yearnings of a woman's nature are touched when she responds to her husband's leadership. To deny this is to deny nature.

Two Halves—One Relationship

By ignoring the fundamental sex differences of a mate, many couples find their marriages riddled with cracks that widen into huge gaps in their relationship. Though a woman may appear strong (perhaps because her husband has never met her deep need for protective tenderness), she can become deeply unhappy or even chronically depressed without knowing why. A man may appear to enjoy the benefits of his wife's higher-paying job, yet underneath, without his even knowing why, there may exist a spirit of competition, evidenced by cutting remarks and more demands placed upon his wife than she can humanly handle. The effects upon her can be fatigue or a near collapse emotionally.

Maleness and femaleness were not created by God in order to drive couples apart; there are two halves to a marital whole. They can be fully understood and appreciated only when they are in the presence of each other.

In 1 Corinthians 11:11-12, the Apostle Paul writes:

In the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as the woman originates from the man, so also the man has his birth through the woman; and all things originate from God.

Each sex carries with it the ingredients that will stir the other up to its greatest potential and highest goals. Neither should be independent of the other. Nor should we try to blend each into a nonsexual, interchangeable personality.

Coupling—Or Collision?

A marriage is intended to be a coupling of these two sexualities. It is God's design that a couple become attached to each other, and in so doing they can help each other grow into whole, mature people.

God's standard is the only perfect reflection of redeemed sexuality and a redeemed, healthy union between male and female. Far from being outdated, God's standard continues to hold up against the world's false standards today, images that are destroying men and women and marriages and scarring untold children who see home only as a place where one sex is out to put down and destroy the other.

The solution to conflicts in your marriage, then, is not to "keep your options open," looking for an easy out—it is to press deeper into God's plan, which is to discover the true roles of man and wife in a beautifully ordered marriage.

Adapted from Husbands Who Won't Lead and Wives Who Won't Follow by James Walker. “Used by permission of Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group, copyright © 1989. All rights to this material are reserved. Materials are not to be distributed to other web locations for retrieval, published in other media, or mirrored at other sites without written permission from Baker Publishing Group.”